"Cynthya was our doula for the birth of our third child in April 2016. As this was my third birth, and I had been attended to by a doula at the first two, I knew that finding the right doula was crucial to a successful and satisfying birth." - Winter Wheeler-Young
A Long Day's Journey
I didn't lie in bed and cry every day. I got up and tried so hard to be okay. But that was the thing; I spent so much energy trying to be happy and okay that I didn't have energy for anything else. I isolated myself more and more.
When my son was 3 months old, my midwife diagnosed me with postpartum depression. She gave me the name of a highly recommended therapist and told me that things would get better. I didn't go.
When my son was a month old, I stopped sleeping. He would wake up to nurse around midnight, and I wouldn't go back to sleep, usually not until the next night. I desperately wanted to sleep. I was beyond exhausted, but I had become so anxious about not sleeping and not getting enough sleep that I couldn't shut my mind off, and the cycle would continue. I started fantasizing about going to stay in a hotel, just so I could be alone and sleep. Then the fantasies turned darker. I imagined faking a suicide attempt so my husband would commit me to the hospital, SO I COULD SLEEP. I felt depressed, overwhelmed, and so guilty for wanting to be alone. I thought that I never should have become a mom.
I had all the symptoms of postpartum depression but I convinced myself that I could be strong enough to handle it on my own. Women, mothers in particular, have been told that we can do anything. Often, what we hear is you have to do everything. I didn't want to have to get therapy or take medication during a time that was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I became more defiant. Wasn't it supposed to be hard? I was learning how to be a mother, take care of a baby, not eating or sleeping like I used to, adjusting to a new life. It was supposed to be hard, and I really needed people to stop telling me that I was abnormal in my thoughts and feelings and that I needed help. I became angrier and more frustrated when my husband urged me to get help. There were times when I felt so much rage that I did want to hurt myself. I didn't feel like myself. I would lose control of my emotions and cry, scream, and break things, in front of my child.
“I thought that I never should have become a mom.”
There were moments of joy. I saw glimpses of light in the darkness. I would smile and laugh as I watched my son grow and change. There were days when I felt happy. That's how I continued to deny that I was anxious and depressed. I didn't lie in bed and cry every day. I got up and tried so hard to be okay. But that was the thing; I spent so much energy trying to be happy and okay that I didn't have energy for anything else. I isolated myself more and more.
When my son was 15 months old, he stayed the weekend with his grandparents. My husband was out of town. I sat on the couch and watched TV all weekend. When I went to pick up my son, I hugged him. I lied and told him that I had missed him. I hadn't missed him, and I felt so numb. The thought of bringing him home was overwhelming. I cried on the way home.
That's when I made the decision to get help. I wanted things to be better, not just for me, but for my family. It is hard to love others unless you love yourself, and I wanted my son to grow up with a mom who was happy and whole. I made an appointment with my primary care doctor, and she prescribed me Zoloft. I noticed a difference within a few days. I had more energy. I felt like doing things that I used to enjoy. I didn't feel angry or overwhelmed when my son needed my attention. My thoughts were clearer. I wanted to be outside and play with my son. I was laughing again.
It's been almost a year now since I started taking medication. It's not a magic pill. I don't walk around in a constant state of bliss, but it did clear the fog so I can see moments of bliss. I can wake up each morning and choose to see joy instead of sadness.
“The guilt and shame I felt about needing help were part of my depression.”
I regret not getting help sooner. The guilt and shame I felt about needing help were part of my depression. Since the depression was also tied to being a new mom, there was an added layer of uncertainty about what was normal and abnormal. Being a new mom is hard. There are challenges and adjustments, but you know yourself and your body. Your family and friends know you. Listen to yourself and others. If you are having a difficult time, it is okay to say I am not okay and to talk to someone about it. It can get better, and you and your family deserve that.
Postpartum Support International hosts free, live phone sessions every week, including Wednesday chats for moms and first Monday chats for dads. In Atlanta, new parents can explore therapy options via North Star Support. They also offer telephone therapy sessions so you can talk with an expert while caring for your baby.
6 Ways to Survive a Colicky Baby
"Was I enjoying my sweet, new baby? No. I wanted my old life back. I wanted to run away. More than anything, I wanted to sleep for days."
I remember running into an acquaintance a couple of months after my son was born. “Are you enjoying that sweet, new baby?” she asked. I stared blankly. The weight of exhaustion made it impossible to fake my enthusiasm, so I gave a long, deep sigh. The correct answer was obvious. Doesn't every new mom enjoy their precious new baby? The truth was that I wasn't.
He nursed constantly, refused to take a bottle, would only sleep on top of me or in my arms, screamed every time he was in his car seat. Starting at around 4 pm, every single day, he would become inconsolable and cry. A LOT. I swaddled, nursed, rocked, walked, shushed, begged, and cried with him for hours. This is how I spent most of my afternoons. Was I enjoying my sweet, new baby? No. I wanted my old life back. I wanted to run away. More than anything, I wanted to sleep for days.
Having a high needs or colicky infant feels relentless. Those afternoons stretched before me, and I knew that, unlike what everyone said, this was not going to pass. Time had stopped, and this would go on for the rest of my life. I was Sisyphus, condemned to push a boulder up a hill, with a crying infant strapped to my back.
“I was Sisyphus, condemned to push a boulder up a hill, with a crying infant strapped to my back.”
Everyone was right, though. My son is almost 2 now. He is smart, funny, healthy, and delightful. Here are some tips and techniques I learned along the way, and also some things that I will do differently if I have another child:
Rest when you can. I often found it difficult to sleep during the day, but just closing my eyes in a quiet, dark room helped me recharge. And don't worry if you can't get to sleep. It will get better, and you will sleep again. Being anxious about not sleeping only makes it less likely that you will sleep.
Take a "Mailbox Moment." If you are feeling overwhelmed, put your baby down in safe place, and walk away. Go outside, take deep breaths. I felt guilty when I did this because I wanted to be able to fix it, and I thought a good mother should know how to do that. Now I know that a good mother knows she needs to take care of herself along the way.
Ask for help, and take it when people offer! I found it helpful when my husband would take the baby for a walk. A quiet house and the bliss of aloneness were so healing for me.
Read the Happiest Baby on the Block, and use the “5 S System.” At the time, I had not read the book, but my son's pediatrician recommended the techniques in it. Swaddling and making a loud shushing sound with movement were particularly helpful. If you have a colicky baby, you should know that, while these techniques do help to take the sting out, they may not be the magic solution you're needing. They certainly help, but only time will definitely end the problem.
Hire a postpartum doula. When I became a mom, I didn't have much experience with newborns. While much of the care is instinctual and learned along the way, having a trained and experienced professional would have been so helpful in the transition. A postpartum doula will help the new family by providing emotional support and guidance in newborn care, while helping you get your bearings as a new mom and family.
The most important thing to remember is that it is just a season. It isn't forever. Even though it feels like it is. It really will get better. Now, I look at my wonderful two year old son, and those sleep deprived, colicky days feel like a lifetime ago. In many ways, they were a lifetime ago because I'm not the woman I used to be.
Colic does end. You can survive it, and come out better and stronger on the other side of it. Motherhood is a journey, and journeys aren't always easy. But they are worth it.
